Blast From The Past!
Jokes From Barry Concerts
(Send the kids out of the room!) A priest and a nun are riding through the desert on a camel when
suddenly the camel drops dead.
The priest and the nun stand there for a while and finally, the
priest says to the nun,
“
Sister, I think we’re going to die here in the desert. And
as long as we are, I have one last request. I’ve never seen
a woman naked. Would you take off your clothes and let me see what
a woman looks like naked?”
The nun thinks about this for a while and finally says, “OK.”
She takes off her clothes and stands there.
Finally, she looks at the priest and says,
“
Father, as long as we’re going to die here, I have one last
request too. I’ve never seen a man naked, would you take
off your clothes?”
He says, “Ok”, and takes off his clothes.
The nun stares at him for a while and asks,
“
What’s that?”
He says, “Well, Sister,” he says, “if I put this
in you, it brings life.”
She says, “Forget about me! Put it in the camel!”
 Two women are playing golf on a sunny Sunday morning.
The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her
ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.
Indeed the ball hits one of them! He immediately clasps his hands
together at his crotch! He falls to the ground and proceeds to
roll around in agony.
The woman rushes down to the man and begins to apologize.
" Please allow me to help. I'm a medical assistant and I know I can relieve
your pain if you would allow me", she tells
him earnestly.
"
Ummph! Ooooh! Nnnnoooo! I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes" he replies breathlessly as he remains in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
She persists and he finally allows her to help him.
She gently takes his hands away and lays them to his side.
She loosens his pants and she puts her hands inside.
She begins to massage him. She asks him "how does that feel?"
To which he replies, “It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell!”
A piano player passes a piano bar and there’s a sign in
the window: PIANO PLAYER WANTED. He grabs the sign, walks inside
and says to the manager, "I play the piano. I want the job."
The manager says, "Well, I need to hear you play first."
The man sits down and plays the most beautiful song the manager
ever heard.
The manager says "That was the most beautiful song I have
ever heard, was it Chopin or Brahms?"
"
Neither! I wrote it myself," says the pianist proudly.
"
What's it called?" the manager asked.
" Lift up your blouse and show me your boobs."
"
Oh" . . . says the manager "Well, . . do you know any
other songs?"
The piano player plays another song more beautiful than the first.
The manager is wowed and says, "I've never heard such artistry!
I must know the name of this song. Was that Bach or Beethoven?"
"
Neither! I wrote it myself," says the pianist.
Reluctantly the manager asks the name of the song.
"
Bend over, lift up your skirt and show me where the sun never shines," replies
the piano player.
The manager tells the man, "Okay, I'll hire you on one condition.
Don't EVER tell the customers the name of your songs."
The man agrees and starts that night.
The crowd is awed by his playing and by the composition of his
songs.
After an hour and a half of playing, with a standing ovation after
each tune, the man announces a short break.
After going to the bathroom, he forgets to zip-up. On his way out,
another man stops him and says, "Hey... do you know your zipper's
undone and your weenie’s hanging out?"
The piano player says, "Know it?? I wrote it!!"
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the
Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all
manner of private homes,
including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground
floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The
Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts
in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the
Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second
police row-boat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who
trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof
of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi,
grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who
trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried
away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the
Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine
Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been
a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you
to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter,
what more do you want?"
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough
to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, " This is
a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Jewish
men
have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Goldberg, nice
to meet you."
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Fred had always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different, Helen?" Helen is in a pissy mood. She
looks him over. “Nope,” she says.
Fred says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Fred storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT NOW?"
Helen looks up and says, "Nope. It's hanging down today, it
was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Fred yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies, "Then ya’ should’a bought
a new hat!”
Mr. Jones and Smith live next door to one another.
One wintry, snowy, cold morning Mr. Jones wakes, takes a look at
his lawn and runs next door to Mr. Smith’s, bangs on his
door and says, “Mr. Smith, your son PEED his name in the
snow in front of my house!”
Mr. Smith says, “Well, boys will be boys.”
Mr. Jones says, “Yeah, but it was in my daughter’s
handwriting!”
A guy goes to the doctor.
He says, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t stop farting!”
The doctor says, “Well that’s not so bad. Go out and
buy some Tums.”
The guy says, “But doctor! You don’t understand! I
can’t stop farting! All day, all night! One continuous long
fart! I can’t stop!”
The doctor says, “Well, gee, that’s awful.”
The guy says, “Here take a listen!”
The doctor bends down to listen. He hears, "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
The doctor says, “I never in my whole life, heard of anything
like this. In my whole career of medicine. I have never heard of
anything like this.”
And the doctor goes over to the window and he gets this huge long
pole with a hook on the end of it.
The now terrified patient says, “My God what are you going
to do with that thing?”
The doctor says, “I’m going to open a window in here!”
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